February 19th 2013
Crafts...well today crafts are not my friend. This past year I have tried to learn to knit, yeah, ,,,no. Knitting is for people who ...well want to learn to knit. For me it is like running with scissors. Not safe yet you just have to do it once, and since I am a slow leaner twice or three times and then I usually understand why you are not suppose to do it. Knitting is like that for me. I have the casting on part, Stitches are not even close to being uniform in size, but its the purl thing! Knit one purl one, ok knit one and why do I have to purl at all? Watched numerous videos watched someone else who does know how to knit and by the time I get home, I'm like a cat with a ball of yarn, it goes everywhere. Word to the wise here do not throw the ball of yarn your working with at your cat who has lost his mind and gotten on the table and all the pisstttiinng at him didn't work. Put your work down first that way everything you have accomplished has not come unraveled. So I have come to conclusion that knitting is not for me. I have gotten tired of crocheting so now I'm learning to quilt. This has came into the same ball park of knitting. It took me 3 days to decide on a pattern. This should not be hard for a normal person. (Stop laughing). I finally decide on the pinwheel, does not look hard, I mean how hard can it really be, you use the same pattern on all the pieces. I watched the video, and just because the person in the video has a whole building and an actual show on tv dedicated to quilting does not mean I cant do it. Really how hard can this be!
So with scissors in hand I cut the pieces, sew the pieces iron the pieces and start putting them together. Some don't fit quite right but with tugging and pulling I get the edges to line up ok. I'm proud of all those pretty colors all lined up in a row and just waiting for me to put them together. I get all of my long strips lined up,( oh yeah this will be a table runner just in case you want to know what I'm attempting here) and I start sewing them, first strip goes on all of my smaller pieces ok. I start the second row. Now for some reason Im having a little difficulty here. They are not lining up like I think they should so I tug and pull the material some more to make them fit. Ok so some are "slightly" puckered I can figure this out later. Now I have some shorter pieces and some longer so I cut the edges to make them all look nice and even. But somehow now they really are not fitting, I go forth. I pull and tug and stretch and finally get them all sewed together, but they don't look like anything the lady on the video has done. Mine are kinda lop sided and some are shorter and some are longer but I go on forth. I put the batting inside. Oh did I mention the spray glue that is suppose to hold all of this together, it keep you from pinning it, useful idea I think. So I spray, if a little is good then just a little more would be great. Have I mentioned that I do things in excess? And sometimes its not a good thing. I spray the bottom part, put the batting down. that is ok. I spray the batting and put the top on.....now is where all the tugging and stretching and pulling has not paid off. The top dont fit and its puckered and it dont line up like it should at all. Beginning to hate the woman in the video. Now while I'm trying to force the top on the bottom I see that I have over spray on the table and the floor. Great I'm barefooted, so I go and try to wash it off. All of the little threads are sticking to my feet and Im walking on carpet, great now I have thread and lint. By the time I make it to the bathroom I feel like I have a new pair of slippers on. Water and soap dont take it off so sitting on the edge of the tub I reach for the baby oil. I pour it on my feet and the lint is starting to come off yeah for me. So after its all nice and clean I try to get out of the oily tub, yes for your information you can do the splits in the bathtub. Joe asks if Im ok in there and I tell him to shut up! I make it up and out of the bathroom and back to the sewing room aka laundry room. So now its the quilt or me and I take no crap from material. I start to sew it all together thinking in my sick and warped mind it will straighten its self out. Well to make this long story much shorter I now have a half quilted dog blanket. I think I really need to learn to do some thing that will take oh so much less effort on my part.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Monday, January 2, 2012
Decisions
January 3rd 2012
Where to begin, so much has happened at the beginning of this New year already and its only the 3rd of 2011. Last week the radiologist called me from Omaha to tell me they want to either do theraspheres embolization on my liver or chemo embolization. Either one sounds like no fun, but my last MRI and CT scan showed more bad news. I have been on chemo for several months now and was hoping for the best, but at the moment it seems like I have had the worst. Or I might be selfish. But I now have over 50 tumors in my liver, more in my left shoulder, the ones on the mesentric artery have grown, I have lesions on the bones. But I feel good! Tired but Good! So the Drs. want to get aggressive with the liver so the flushes and the diarrhea will stop or at least slow down. The sandostatin LAR is not really working now. At $12000.00 you would think it would. Thank you God for insurance. So now its time to get ready, the radiologist will consult with my oncologist and they will make a decision for either of the procedure or both. Guess I will be in the hospital a little longer if they go with the chemo effect. I will leave it in their capable hands.
Christmas was great. Chad and Sarah with their two dogs were here. Rick Yvonne and Koda were here also with no dogs. On Christmas day we had our usual dinner for the neighborhood of little old ladies. We had way to much food. Lots of company. And loved it all. Rachel always goes to her Grandma and Grandpas for Christmas. It was extra special this year because her mom lives there and has stage 4 colon cancer. She has been on hospice for some time. So Rachel has spent a lot of time up there. She came home for 1 day and was unsettled while she was here. She said that hospice had taken her mom off all oral medicine. And only had her hooked up to the liquid morphine for pain relief, but she was not awake or eating or drinking. I told her I thought it would be best if she went back up there. She did and her mom passed away at 12:45a.m. on New Years day. She wast there holding her hand. She had donated her body to a cancer place in K.C. with that being done they will also cremate her body for free. Rachel called today and said that her memorial will be on Friday the 6th at 1:pm. I know this will so hard on here. Devon I suppose will be there. He went to their house on Christmas day got his Christmas money and left. Said it was to hard on him to stay and be with his mom, he couldn't be around her the way she was. I just don't understand that boy. He has so much to learn and seems to be heading down the wrong way as fast as he can. I'm guessing and it's an almost positive guess he is on drugs now. Has been to court and is proud of that fact. All before 18, which he and Rachel will be on the 8th. I just have to pray more for him. Nothing else that can be done at this point.
Of course this new year 2012 will bring about many changes. Rachel will graduate, Taylor will going off to basic training. Matt and Ashley have a new baby, so I have 2 new great grandbabies. Alexis who was born the last of June and now Davina. Time marches on. My husband is fantastic as always. He has been laid off since September which stings and bites. But he is looking. Bad time in the little town we live in and his unemployment runs out in February, I am concerned.
I think at this point in my not so busy day that I will take my bath. Read in my new e-reader. And eat an orange.
Where to begin, so much has happened at the beginning of this New year already and its only the 3rd of 2011. Last week the radiologist called me from Omaha to tell me they want to either do theraspheres embolization on my liver or chemo embolization. Either one sounds like no fun, but my last MRI and CT scan showed more bad news. I have been on chemo for several months now and was hoping for the best, but at the moment it seems like I have had the worst. Or I might be selfish. But I now have over 50 tumors in my liver, more in my left shoulder, the ones on the mesentric artery have grown, I have lesions on the bones. But I feel good! Tired but Good! So the Drs. want to get aggressive with the liver so the flushes and the diarrhea will stop or at least slow down. The sandostatin LAR is not really working now. At $12000.00 you would think it would. Thank you God for insurance. So now its time to get ready, the radiologist will consult with my oncologist and they will make a decision for either of the procedure or both. Guess I will be in the hospital a little longer if they go with the chemo effect. I will leave it in their capable hands.
Christmas was great. Chad and Sarah with their two dogs were here. Rick Yvonne and Koda were here also with no dogs. On Christmas day we had our usual dinner for the neighborhood of little old ladies. We had way to much food. Lots of company. And loved it all. Rachel always goes to her Grandma and Grandpas for Christmas. It was extra special this year because her mom lives there and has stage 4 colon cancer. She has been on hospice for some time. So Rachel has spent a lot of time up there. She came home for 1 day and was unsettled while she was here. She said that hospice had taken her mom off all oral medicine. And only had her hooked up to the liquid morphine for pain relief, but she was not awake or eating or drinking. I told her I thought it would be best if she went back up there. She did and her mom passed away at 12:45a.m. on New Years day. She wast there holding her hand. She had donated her body to a cancer place in K.C. with that being done they will also cremate her body for free. Rachel called today and said that her memorial will be on Friday the 6th at 1:pm. I know this will so hard on here. Devon I suppose will be there. He went to their house on Christmas day got his Christmas money and left. Said it was to hard on him to stay and be with his mom, he couldn't be around her the way she was. I just don't understand that boy. He has so much to learn and seems to be heading down the wrong way as fast as he can. I'm guessing and it's an almost positive guess he is on drugs now. Has been to court and is proud of that fact. All before 18, which he and Rachel will be on the 8th. I just have to pray more for him. Nothing else that can be done at this point.
Of course this new year 2012 will bring about many changes. Rachel will graduate, Taylor will going off to basic training. Matt and Ashley have a new baby, so I have 2 new great grandbabies. Alexis who was born the last of June and now Davina. Time marches on. My husband is fantastic as always. He has been laid off since September which stings and bites. But he is looking. Bad time in the little town we live in and his unemployment runs out in February, I am concerned.
I think at this point in my not so busy day that I will take my bath. Read in my new e-reader. And eat an orange.
Monday, January 3, 2011
My remembering went on the fritz...
I really haven't updated for sometime, I forget, I know I'm the only one that happens to. Wish I had one of those memories that just keep going, mine went ok just in the dark most of the time.
September I went to see a Dr. in Omaha Neb. He’s so cute you just want to hug him. He is from South Africa and I love his accent. He is a transplant surgeon. Like all the other Dr's. dealing with carcinoid cancer this is a second line. If Drs. made it their first they would starve to death I’m afraid. Since only a few are diagnosed with it a year its hard to make a living dealing with just carcinoid cancer. Which is not good for those of us who have it. Its hard to find a Dr. that knows anything about it. And if you come from a small town like me then its near impossible. The Dr's that I have dealth with here have either never heard of it or they sure dont know how to even start treating it. So your forced to do the homework yourself to find a dr. who "know's" carcinoid. But getting back to Omaha while there I went through the battery of test they do each and every time. CT scan, octreoscan, MRI scan, blood tests, urine tests. Then the waiting, the last time I was even blessed to have a sonogram. Nope not pregnant even though that might be easier……no it wouldn’t I take it back. While digging around they found 7 more tumors in my neck under my collar bone. The surgeon said he would have to take them out.
Ok fine what else can I say. He also said he would probably have to break the bone because he didn’t know how deep or what was going on till he got in there. Fine again what else can I say. It is scheduled the 23rd of August, but they want me in the hospital the 22nd to hook up a octreotide drip. That will keep me from having symptoms during the surgery. Suppose to be there at 6p.m. to start the IV. Now I have bad veins I know that, I tell the nurses they get 2 shots at hitting a vein. This is where I need to be more specific. They end up with a whole line of nurses trying to hit veins. Joe finally gave up he couldn’t stand it anymore and left to go to the hotel. Poor man. They brought in a site monitor. They found the vein but couldn’t hit it. I had people who never miss..miss. They finally brought Larry down from ICU. Larry hit the vein with a little butterfly needle. He said they will change it when I get to surgery the next morning. I have to say the nurses were great and did try to get something, I just like playing difficult. They told me to drink a lot of water before I got there. Well I did I felt like a camel, but Joe and I went to the zoo and walked around, a lot, its August I sweat, I don’t glisten. I don’t perspire I sweat like a pig.(do pigs really sweat) ? I’ll have to google that one. So by the end of the day my veins were not cooperating. But Larry did the job and all was well. Of course it was 11:15 pm by the time they got done and had been trying since 6pm. I finally fell asleep and they came for me early, the usual of the I don’t care shot. I woke up later back in my room. I think I felt ok. Joe was there. As the day went on I got much better. Was told there was 7 tumors in a mass and they were able to get them all in one swoop. The one thing I did notice was I still had the little butterfly IV that I went in with. After a few days I started turning black and blue all over my arms where they apparently did try to get a bigger IV in. Didn’t work. They didn’t have to break my collar bone as first thought. . By Wednesday I was back home.
Next week I went back for a check up and Dr. said every thing went just fine and I should be as good as new. I told him I was disappointed in his scar he left me, he looked at me a little shocked. I said he did such a nice job no would believe me when I tell them I was in a drunken brawl and got cut. Now he also is from South Africa and he’s got to lighten up some.
So for the most part everything has gone really good till several weeks ago into December and I wasn’t feeling great and went to Dr.who in turn sent me for a CT scan and found another spot on my liver. And it seems as though the 2 on my mesenteric artery are growing. That is my main concern at the moment. They can not do surgery on them. They can not interrupt the blood flow to the arteries. The one thing they can do and have success at it is shoot chemo directly into the tumors. The only problem with that is its only done in Germany and insurance does not cover it. So that is out of the question. And I really need to play the lottery. The only assurance that I have is I know all of this- in its entirety is that its totally in Gods hand, no matter what the outcome. I will fight the good fight. I have the love of my family and friends, they do not pity me Thank You God, they do not feel sorry for me, therefore I have no reason to feel sorry for myself. Everyone in life gets dealt a hand, some good some bad but every one gets one. The people I know live life. Everyone will lose someone close to them at some point or another, whether divorce, death, or their minds go. We cant hide from it. We have to love it we have to love them. We have to love ourselves. Love is not a feeling, its a decision we make on how we are going to treat others. There are so many people so much worse off than I am. I am lucky. I am fed, I am loved, I am cared about. And thing else is details. God sees to my needs and not my greed's. I trust Him.
September I went to see a Dr. in Omaha Neb. He’s so cute you just want to hug him. He is from South Africa and I love his accent. He is a transplant surgeon. Like all the other Dr's. dealing with carcinoid cancer this is a second line. If Drs. made it their first they would starve to death I’m afraid. Since only a few are diagnosed with it a year its hard to make a living dealing with just carcinoid cancer. Which is not good for those of us who have it. Its hard to find a Dr. that knows anything about it. And if you come from a small town like me then its near impossible. The Dr's that I have dealth with here have either never heard of it or they sure dont know how to even start treating it. So your forced to do the homework yourself to find a dr. who "know's" carcinoid. But getting back to Omaha while there I went through the battery of test they do each and every time. CT scan, octreoscan, MRI scan, blood tests, urine tests. Then the waiting, the last time I was even blessed to have a sonogram. Nope not pregnant even though that might be easier……no it wouldn’t I take it back. While digging around they found 7 more tumors in my neck under my collar bone. The surgeon said he would have to take them out.
Ok fine what else can I say. He also said he would probably have to break the bone because he didn’t know how deep or what was going on till he got in there. Fine again what else can I say. It is scheduled the 23rd of August, but they want me in the hospital the 22nd to hook up a octreotide drip. That will keep me from having symptoms during the surgery. Suppose to be there at 6p.m. to start the IV. Now I have bad veins I know that, I tell the nurses they get 2 shots at hitting a vein. This is where I need to be more specific. They end up with a whole line of nurses trying to hit veins. Joe finally gave up he couldn’t stand it anymore and left to go to the hotel. Poor man. They brought in a site monitor. They found the vein but couldn’t hit it. I had people who never miss..miss. They finally brought Larry down from ICU. Larry hit the vein with a little butterfly needle. He said they will change it when I get to surgery the next morning. I have to say the nurses were great and did try to get something, I just like playing difficult. They told me to drink a lot of water before I got there. Well I did I felt like a camel, but Joe and I went to the zoo and walked around, a lot, its August I sweat, I don’t glisten. I don’t perspire I sweat like a pig.(do pigs really sweat) ? I’ll have to google that one. So by the end of the day my veins were not cooperating. But Larry did the job and all was well. Of course it was 11:15 pm by the time they got done and had been trying since 6pm. I finally fell asleep and they came for me early, the usual of the I don’t care shot. I woke up later back in my room. I think I felt ok. Joe was there. As the day went on I got much better. Was told there was 7 tumors in a mass and they were able to get them all in one swoop. The one thing I did notice was I still had the little butterfly IV that I went in with. After a few days I started turning black and blue all over my arms where they apparently did try to get a bigger IV in. Didn’t work. They didn’t have to break my collar bone as first thought. . By Wednesday I was back home.
Next week I went back for a check up and Dr. said every thing went just fine and I should be as good as new. I told him I was disappointed in his scar he left me, he looked at me a little shocked. I said he did such a nice job no would believe me when I tell them I was in a drunken brawl and got cut. Now he also is from South Africa and he’s got to lighten up some.
So for the most part everything has gone really good till several weeks ago into December and I wasn’t feeling great and went to Dr.who in turn sent me for a CT scan and found another spot on my liver. And it seems as though the 2 on my mesenteric artery are growing. That is my main concern at the moment. They can not do surgery on them. They can not interrupt the blood flow to the arteries. The one thing they can do and have success at it is shoot chemo directly into the tumors. The only problem with that is its only done in Germany and insurance does not cover it. So that is out of the question. And I really need to play the lottery. The only assurance that I have is I know all of this- in its entirety is that its totally in Gods hand, no matter what the outcome. I will fight the good fight. I have the love of my family and friends, they do not pity me Thank You God, they do not feel sorry for me, therefore I have no reason to feel sorry for myself. Everyone in life gets dealt a hand, some good some bad but every one gets one. The people I know live life. Everyone will lose someone close to them at some point or another, whether divorce, death, or their minds go. We cant hide from it. We have to love it we have to love them. We have to love ourselves. Love is not a feeling, its a decision we make on how we are going to treat others. There are so many people so much worse off than I am. I am lucky. I am fed, I am loved, I am cared about. And thing else is details. God sees to my needs and not my greed's. I trust Him.
Christmas is Over
Few thing are more beautiful than old friendships renewed. I have had the blessing of my old friend Sherry calling tonight. Ten years ago Sherry and I had an awful argument over the phone which lead to neither of us calling each other for ten years. Ten years, what an awful waste of time for two people who genuinely loved each other, where you found one while I lived in California you found us both. If we were not together then we were on the phone. She was my "wife" or I hers, how that came about was I was living with her ex-husband. Now for some this might sound weird but for us it was normal. They had been married and had a son Eric. Dave and I met and I moved to Ca. and moved in with him for 2 years. During which time Sherry and I became close friends. We didn't think it was weird but I'm sure some did.
I was going to truck driving school, she was a teacher. I introduced her to my instructor and she eventually married him. I moved back to Ks. She and her husband came back here to Ks a couple of time then one year we all ended up going to Sturgis S.D. to the bike rally. It was a shared combination of many things. Most of the time it didn't involve other people in our lives it involved our lives. While in Ca. she and I took day trips on our motorcycles to different places just rode and let the wind whip our hair into tangled messes. We had a connection, not sure we even knew what it was but it just was.
She came through Ks one time going to Arkansas and I went with her. I admired her, for going to school and getting her education far and above what others did. I thought she was far smarter than me. She has now graduated with her masters, that is such an accomplishment and I'm proud of her. I know her life has not been easy, but she rode through it all and did an excellent job of what ever she did. She has 2 kids, I remember them as little kids, they now are parents and Sherry is a grandma. But aren't we all.
I have to shake my head when I look in the front room tonight and see Rachel and Devon are back from KC. I'm happy they are back and glad they are safe and sound. This is the first time I have let Rachel drive up there by herself. They are Jr's. now 6 days till their 17th birthday. One more year and they will be out of school and 18. What then I wonder will they do what they will become. Will Rachel go on to be the Dr. she wants to be so bad, will Devon get a goal. Rachel wants to go to the Air Force, where her education will be paid for. Devon is still floundering. It scares me that he has no plans. I look at my husband who has supported me so strongly for the past year while I have fought this cancer. He has rose above and beyond what even he thought he was capable of. Now 2 weeks ago they have found a spot on my liver, and they think the one on my mesenteric artery has grown. That has me more concerned than the one on my liver. Its all so just unknown.
Christmas was wonderful. Had my neighbor ladies over again for diner. I think this is our 6th year having Christmas dinner with them. There was also several others who came also Chad and Sarah. There was to much food as usual. But the company was wonderful. Joe took a week vacation so we had a week to recuperate. We went on day trips to just go and be together while the kids were gone. We have a Wii. we play golf on our Wii. We thought we would get another game of golf since we are growing tired of this one that we have played for several years, all animated. So we looked for something more serious. So I found one, brought it home, 15 minutes later Joe's back to playing the old one. We went to Joplin to look for the Tiger Woods Pro Golf. bought it, came home tired it. Not impressed. I wake up in the middle of the night Joe is gone. I listen and he is down stairs, I hear the familiar sound of the old golf game going on. I think we are stuck on the animated old golf game. Oh well he never mastered it anyway.
Now the New Year of 2011 is here. Wonder what it will bring, healing I hope, not just for me. But for all who are hurting, who are lonely, who are without God in their lives. Who has no job. I pray that God will comfort them all. That they will let God come into their lives and let Him lead them where they need to go. We think we have all this power to do what we want. Little do most of us know we have no power at all, our power leads us down that temptation road, only to find at the end of that road is our destruction. This has never so clear as it has been since my oldest sister died November 22. Her death has caused healing in this family. But that is another blog I will do when I feel the need.
I was going to truck driving school, she was a teacher. I introduced her to my instructor and she eventually married him. I moved back to Ks. She and her husband came back here to Ks a couple of time then one year we all ended up going to Sturgis S.D. to the bike rally. It was a shared combination of many things. Most of the time it didn't involve other people in our lives it involved our lives. While in Ca. she and I took day trips on our motorcycles to different places just rode and let the wind whip our hair into tangled messes. We had a connection, not sure we even knew what it was but it just was.
She came through Ks one time going to Arkansas and I went with her. I admired her, for going to school and getting her education far and above what others did. I thought she was far smarter than me. She has now graduated with her masters, that is such an accomplishment and I'm proud of her. I know her life has not been easy, but she rode through it all and did an excellent job of what ever she did. She has 2 kids, I remember them as little kids, they now are parents and Sherry is a grandma. But aren't we all.
I have to shake my head when I look in the front room tonight and see Rachel and Devon are back from KC. I'm happy they are back and glad they are safe and sound. This is the first time I have let Rachel drive up there by herself. They are Jr's. now 6 days till their 17th birthday. One more year and they will be out of school and 18. What then I wonder will they do what they will become. Will Rachel go on to be the Dr. she wants to be so bad, will Devon get a goal. Rachel wants to go to the Air Force, where her education will be paid for. Devon is still floundering. It scares me that he has no plans. I look at my husband who has supported me so strongly for the past year while I have fought this cancer. He has rose above and beyond what even he thought he was capable of. Now 2 weeks ago they have found a spot on my liver, and they think the one on my mesenteric artery has grown. That has me more concerned than the one on my liver. Its all so just unknown.
Christmas was wonderful. Had my neighbor ladies over again for diner. I think this is our 6th year having Christmas dinner with them. There was also several others who came also Chad and Sarah. There was to much food as usual. But the company was wonderful. Joe took a week vacation so we had a week to recuperate. We went on day trips to just go and be together while the kids were gone. We have a Wii. we play golf on our Wii. We thought we would get another game of golf since we are growing tired of this one that we have played for several years, all animated. So we looked for something more serious. So I found one, brought it home, 15 minutes later Joe's back to playing the old one. We went to Joplin to look for the Tiger Woods Pro Golf. bought it, came home tired it. Not impressed. I wake up in the middle of the night Joe is gone. I listen and he is down stairs, I hear the familiar sound of the old golf game going on. I think we are stuck on the animated old golf game. Oh well he never mastered it anyway.
Now the New Year of 2011 is here. Wonder what it will bring, healing I hope, not just for me. But for all who are hurting, who are lonely, who are without God in their lives. Who has no job. I pray that God will comfort them all. That they will let God come into their lives and let Him lead them where they need to go. We think we have all this power to do what we want. Little do most of us know we have no power at all, our power leads us down that temptation road, only to find at the end of that road is our destruction. This has never so clear as it has been since my oldest sister died November 22. Her death has caused healing in this family. But that is another blog I will do when I feel the need.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Fall has Come
Two days ago it was the ending of summer and the first day of fall. I have looked forward to it for some reason this year. I don’t particularly like winter, but this time its different. I almost feel sorry for those people who have the same season all year around. I know they can enjoy the outside longer but there is something about seasons, when the buds pop out and the flowers on the trees are saying “see me” in the spring. Then the flowers go and the leaves come out sometimes it seems like all at once. One minute empty limbs with last years birds nest and the next full blown shade for the summer. They get so low with the heaviness of the leaves I have to trim some down so they don’t slap me off the mower. Then again the birds rebuild their nests again in their already familiar favorite tree.
Then all at once the leaves begin to drop and we know what’s about to take place. The green has gave way to the beautiful colors of autumn. Reds, greens, oranges browns, everywhere is the oos and ahhs. And just when you think it cant get any prettier you top another hill, an its spread all over the hill side. It looks like God dropped a paint bucket with the colors of fall.
Now the birds are gathering up and flying in huge swarms, the monarchs are heading to Mexico. Soon the buzzards will take off for parts unknown, the hummingbirds have already left. I think they know something I don’t know. Maybe an early winter? I have seen one small flock of geese. I love to watch the geese. The V formation, some little flocks, some where I cant see the end of them. But all to warmer weather.
Today we went out to the cabin to clean it out. It always makes me sad to say goodbye for the season. But its much to cold to be out there in winter. As I was sweeping off the front porch I seen where the spiders are building their webs around the chairs we had put up several weeks ago. Inside in corners they have egg sacks, already budding with little creepy crawlies ready for next year. I get the broom and sweep them away. I clean out the cabinets and know the mice will be looking for anything that might get left over. Its quiet as I make my way to the front porch to sit in the swing. I can hear the water splashing up on the bank and remember the fun we had out there this summer. Boating, skiing, tubing, or just spending time on the lake. We had a fun 4th of July. The kids, sister and her family and Kansas City family came and bbq’ed. We ate all day and that night shot off fireworks. The next morning we fixed a large breakfast and just sat and talked and laughed and exchanged recipes. And stories of what has been happening.
But today there is no laughter, no large feast, just the peaceful knowledge that the cabin supported us again this year. I watch the leaves that have already died float to the ground and know the next time we go out there they will have covered everything up again. The canopy we put up each time we open the cabin will have to come down. The chairs put away. Limbs that have fallen will be picked up and put in a pile for a bonfire to come. There will still be a few days that we will come out and build a fire and roast marshmallows. We will drop a cork in the lake just to see if something will bite. But for the most part the place will be left to the groundhogs, mice and what ever else will come to call it theirs for the winter.
For us we will hibernate at home, where its warm and the smells of inside cooking to come. The holidays will be upon us before we know it. Or perhaps we do know it and want to ignore it. Either way we will let the cabin have its rest from us for a season and next Spring we will do it all over again.
Then all at once the leaves begin to drop and we know what’s about to take place. The green has gave way to the beautiful colors of autumn. Reds, greens, oranges browns, everywhere is the oos and ahhs. And just when you think it cant get any prettier you top another hill, an its spread all over the hill side. It looks like God dropped a paint bucket with the colors of fall.
Now the birds are gathering up and flying in huge swarms, the monarchs are heading to Mexico. Soon the buzzards will take off for parts unknown, the hummingbirds have already left. I think they know something I don’t know. Maybe an early winter? I have seen one small flock of geese. I love to watch the geese. The V formation, some little flocks, some where I cant see the end of them. But all to warmer weather.
Today we went out to the cabin to clean it out. It always makes me sad to say goodbye for the season. But its much to cold to be out there in winter. As I was sweeping off the front porch I seen where the spiders are building their webs around the chairs we had put up several weeks ago. Inside in corners they have egg sacks, already budding with little creepy crawlies ready for next year. I get the broom and sweep them away. I clean out the cabinets and know the mice will be looking for anything that might get left over. Its quiet as I make my way to the front porch to sit in the swing. I can hear the water splashing up on the bank and remember the fun we had out there this summer. Boating, skiing, tubing, or just spending time on the lake. We had a fun 4th of July. The kids, sister and her family and Kansas City family came and bbq’ed. We ate all day and that night shot off fireworks. The next morning we fixed a large breakfast and just sat and talked and laughed and exchanged recipes. And stories of what has been happening.
But today there is no laughter, no large feast, just the peaceful knowledge that the cabin supported us again this year. I watch the leaves that have already died float to the ground and know the next time we go out there they will have covered everything up again. The canopy we put up each time we open the cabin will have to come down. The chairs put away. Limbs that have fallen will be picked up and put in a pile for a bonfire to come. There will still be a few days that we will come out and build a fire and roast marshmallows. We will drop a cork in the lake just to see if something will bite. But for the most part the place will be left to the groundhogs, mice and what ever else will come to call it theirs for the winter.
For us we will hibernate at home, where its warm and the smells of inside cooking to come. The holidays will be upon us before we know it. Or perhaps we do know it and want to ignore it. Either way we will let the cabin have its rest from us for a season and next Spring we will do it all over again.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Cousins
February 2nd 2010
We are still under snow. This has been a thing of usual sayings this year, we have snow, we are having snow, snow is due, or snow is coming. This has been a wet and cold winter as it was predicted. And the almanac says we will have a cool wet summer. When did the weather change? I have heard people says “well when the weather changed” ect..I just want to know when it changed? Where was I? Its funny how all of a sudden for me everything has changed. The things I took for granted, the people I knew would be there. The people I knew I would be there for. Something changed and I’m not sure when or what.
When I was a kid things were the same. I went to Grammas and Grandpa’s for summer. I played with the neighbor boys. I visited relatives. Life was good for the most part. I was talking this morning about Gramma and Grandpas house. I went to bible study and the lady who owns that house also was there. And I was talking about the memories of growing up in that house. And how gramma was the touch stone of so many of our lives, her grandkids. There was 23 of us. We were not the kind of relation that seen each other once every 5 to 10 years, we seen each other frequently. Parents were close. Which made the cousins close. There were those that lived 100 miles away but it seem like when ever there was a get together at Gramma that we all made it. Especially at Thanksgiving. It was held at the VFW in LaHarpe where Grandma and Grandpa lived. It seems like we all made it to that holiday. Some years we would have to plow snow to get to the front door, but we were there. Babies played on the concrete pad outside in their walkers on the nice warm Thanksgiving days. Other wise it was inside and there was plenty of room for them to roam. It was all a closeness that only families can share. It was a bond that we thought could never be broken. And I don’t think its broken today. We don’t get together often. Our grandparents and parents have passed on. Along with a few cousins. There have been disagreements among cousins over personal items that were or were not handed down to them. Each one being right so the wall is there between them. And who knows for sure if it will ever be torn down. I know the older people get the more the wall becomes an excuse instead of a reason. Then after awhile we don’t know why we are mad. Its just there. An ugly scar that weeps and infects.
We did have a reunion last year with plans for another one this year. We did have a good time. Boundaries were broken, long trips were made for this reunion. The visits were great. If there had been broken hearts, or unforgiving hearts they didn’t show up that day. We shared stories and introduced new cousins, new babies, new spouses. We the cousins that were there were familiar with each other and commented on how older we had gotten. But now our kids had kids, and a new generation was on board. But it was different. We know that our kids wont know each other, they didn’t grow up together and they wont keep in touch. But with the cousins that were there it was comfortable. We started life together. We shared our lives together. We had a common bond. We know each other when we see each other, we haven’t forgotten.
The next generation will never know what we know. They are on their own. Which is very sad, but it is life. Perhaps this year at the family reunion, just perhaps new relationships with them will be made. Perhaps more people will try to make it. Perhaps…………….just perhaps our family will make it after all. Grandma would be proud.
We are still under snow. This has been a thing of usual sayings this year, we have snow, we are having snow, snow is due, or snow is coming. This has been a wet and cold winter as it was predicted. And the almanac says we will have a cool wet summer. When did the weather change? I have heard people says “well when the weather changed” ect..I just want to know when it changed? Where was I? Its funny how all of a sudden for me everything has changed. The things I took for granted, the people I knew would be there. The people I knew I would be there for. Something changed and I’m not sure when or what.
When I was a kid things were the same. I went to Grammas and Grandpa’s for summer. I played with the neighbor boys. I visited relatives. Life was good for the most part. I was talking this morning about Gramma and Grandpas house. I went to bible study and the lady who owns that house also was there. And I was talking about the memories of growing up in that house. And how gramma was the touch stone of so many of our lives, her grandkids. There was 23 of us. We were not the kind of relation that seen each other once every 5 to 10 years, we seen each other frequently. Parents were close. Which made the cousins close. There were those that lived 100 miles away but it seem like when ever there was a get together at Gramma that we all made it. Especially at Thanksgiving. It was held at the VFW in LaHarpe where Grandma and Grandpa lived. It seems like we all made it to that holiday. Some years we would have to plow snow to get to the front door, but we were there. Babies played on the concrete pad outside in their walkers on the nice warm Thanksgiving days. Other wise it was inside and there was plenty of room for them to roam. It was all a closeness that only families can share. It was a bond that we thought could never be broken. And I don’t think its broken today. We don’t get together often. Our grandparents and parents have passed on. Along with a few cousins. There have been disagreements among cousins over personal items that were or were not handed down to them. Each one being right so the wall is there between them. And who knows for sure if it will ever be torn down. I know the older people get the more the wall becomes an excuse instead of a reason. Then after awhile we don’t know why we are mad. Its just there. An ugly scar that weeps and infects.
We did have a reunion last year with plans for another one this year. We did have a good time. Boundaries were broken, long trips were made for this reunion. The visits were great. If there had been broken hearts, or unforgiving hearts they didn’t show up that day. We shared stories and introduced new cousins, new babies, new spouses. We the cousins that were there were familiar with each other and commented on how older we had gotten. But now our kids had kids, and a new generation was on board. But it was different. We know that our kids wont know each other, they didn’t grow up together and they wont keep in touch. But with the cousins that were there it was comfortable. We started life together. We shared our lives together. We had a common bond. We know each other when we see each other, we haven’t forgotten.
The next generation will never know what we know. They are on their own. Which is very sad, but it is life. Perhaps this year at the family reunion, just perhaps new relationships with them will be made. Perhaps more people will try to make it. Perhaps…………….just perhaps our family will make it after all. Grandma would be proud.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
1st check up January 12th 2010
January, 12th 2010
Flats, high heels, tennis shoes , boots, old shoes, new shoes and sandals. Up-do, bald, crew, long, short, gray, dyed, toupee, wig. Dressed well, dressed not so well. Rich, poor we are all waiting today for our turn to see our oncologist. Some look worried, others are resigned to knowing and accepting. Some keep to themselves and others are talkers and it does not matter to whom. Just so they can keep their minds off of what’s going on here in this room. Its different in a “regular doctor’s” waiting room. There are so many things you can be there for. From a cold to a broken arm.
But in this room, in this room its different. In this room it’s the same for all of us. In this room its either you have been diagnosed or will be diagnosed for cancer. Or for the lucky few it was a fluke and you walk out with a bad scare.
Oncologist the name for a cancer doctor. So we all know what we are here for. And the atmosphere is different. it’s the anticipation of the unknown. We all want to know the same thing, is it curable? If not how long? And is it in remission? Will it go into remission? In this office we all know what we are here for. We all have that one dreaded disease. So many different people, dressed different, look different. Act different. Yet we are the same. No matter how we look or act.
I’m watching a little old lady. She is gray and dressed comfortable. Sitting proper reading a book she brought with her, she looks like she goes to church every Sunday. Sitting so prim and proper. Just waiting for her turn. She is very quiet and stays to herself. Another is getting something brought to her every few minutes to drink. I believe she is getting ready for chemo.
I have been here for over an hour. No ones fault. I had a visit to my surgeon and was early getting out from him so that made me early for this visit. The visit to the surgeon was a good one. He said he made a very large ugly scar and apologized. I said I didn’t care. And the truth is I really don’t care. My bikini days are so far behind me I have forgotten them. If it don’t come shorts and t-shirt in the summer to swim then I don’t swim. He said that everything looked and sounded good. I was happy. Rachel and I walk back to the oncologist office. The receptionist looks like she woke up on the wrong side of bed. She looks at me over her glasses and informs me that I owe a little money plus the co-pay. I pay it and am told to go to lab, she hands me the lab papers and informs me again that I need to bring it back to her after they draw blood. I smile my best smile and thank God I’m not like nor have the attitude I did a long time ago. We would have had a coming to Jesus calling.
I go to lab and sit in a chair, Rachel is all eyes. She is working toward becoming a pediatrician in several years. She is just a sophomore now but this is her life long dream of becoming a doctor. A couple of older folks come in behind us and we get up to let them have our chairs. I sit in the blood drawing chair and the nurse come and stick the needle in my left arm. it’s a little painful like she didn’t get it in the right spot, she is getting blood and as long as she gets what she wants I’m willing to let her do it today.
We take the paper back to receptionist and take a seat. And because we are so early I have the pleasure of taking in the people.
I finally get called in, And there is the usual bantering with the Drs nurses, then Dr. S comes in, you just have to love a dr. that wears boots and a pony tail. He is just a cool Dr. He checks me over and thinks I’m doing well also. He wants me to come back in April for another UA test and either an octreo scan or a CT scan. Either way he wants to see what’s going on with the other 2 tumors they couldn’t get to. I tell him with much hesitancy that I “think” I have had 2 flushes, those are part of the symptom with this carcinoid. And I’m praying that its not rearing its ugly head again.
He said as long as they were not bothering me or was not bringing on other symptoms like diarrhea. That we were not going to worry to much about them. I’m liking the sounds of that. I agree and Rachel and I are on our way home. I didn’t even tell him I knew about him retiring and moving to Montana. I also don’t know how to tell my husband I’m following him when I have appointments. I’m reassured that there will be another competent Dr. to take his place. We will see. I’m really partial to this Dr.
But today for me life is good. I’m here. I’m watching the snow melt and Rachel and I are talking and just enjoying the rest of the day. God is good, God is great. He knows what he is doing. I have to trust this. I have to have faith.
Flats, high heels, tennis shoes , boots, old shoes, new shoes and sandals. Up-do, bald, crew, long, short, gray, dyed, toupee, wig. Dressed well, dressed not so well. Rich, poor we are all waiting today for our turn to see our oncologist. Some look worried, others are resigned to knowing and accepting. Some keep to themselves and others are talkers and it does not matter to whom. Just so they can keep their minds off of what’s going on here in this room. Its different in a “regular doctor’s” waiting room. There are so many things you can be there for. From a cold to a broken arm.
But in this room, in this room its different. In this room it’s the same for all of us. In this room its either you have been diagnosed or will be diagnosed for cancer. Or for the lucky few it was a fluke and you walk out with a bad scare.
Oncologist the name for a cancer doctor. So we all know what we are here for. And the atmosphere is different. it’s the anticipation of the unknown. We all want to know the same thing, is it curable? If not how long? And is it in remission? Will it go into remission? In this office we all know what we are here for. We all have that one dreaded disease. So many different people, dressed different, look different. Act different. Yet we are the same. No matter how we look or act.
I’m watching a little old lady. She is gray and dressed comfortable. Sitting proper reading a book she brought with her, she looks like she goes to church every Sunday. Sitting so prim and proper. Just waiting for her turn. She is very quiet and stays to herself. Another is getting something brought to her every few minutes to drink. I believe she is getting ready for chemo.
I have been here for over an hour. No ones fault. I had a visit to my surgeon and was early getting out from him so that made me early for this visit. The visit to the surgeon was a good one. He said he made a very large ugly scar and apologized. I said I didn’t care. And the truth is I really don’t care. My bikini days are so far behind me I have forgotten them. If it don’t come shorts and t-shirt in the summer to swim then I don’t swim. He said that everything looked and sounded good. I was happy. Rachel and I walk back to the oncologist office. The receptionist looks like she woke up on the wrong side of bed. She looks at me over her glasses and informs me that I owe a little money plus the co-pay. I pay it and am told to go to lab, she hands me the lab papers and informs me again that I need to bring it back to her after they draw blood. I smile my best smile and thank God I’m not like nor have the attitude I did a long time ago. We would have had a coming to Jesus calling.
I go to lab and sit in a chair, Rachel is all eyes. She is working toward becoming a pediatrician in several years. She is just a sophomore now but this is her life long dream of becoming a doctor. A couple of older folks come in behind us and we get up to let them have our chairs. I sit in the blood drawing chair and the nurse come and stick the needle in my left arm. it’s a little painful like she didn’t get it in the right spot, she is getting blood and as long as she gets what she wants I’m willing to let her do it today.
We take the paper back to receptionist and take a seat. And because we are so early I have the pleasure of taking in the people.
I finally get called in, And there is the usual bantering with the Drs nurses, then Dr. S comes in, you just have to love a dr. that wears boots and a pony tail. He is just a cool Dr. He checks me over and thinks I’m doing well also. He wants me to come back in April for another UA test and either an octreo scan or a CT scan. Either way he wants to see what’s going on with the other 2 tumors they couldn’t get to. I tell him with much hesitancy that I “think” I have had 2 flushes, those are part of the symptom with this carcinoid. And I’m praying that its not rearing its ugly head again.
He said as long as they were not bothering me or was not bringing on other symptoms like diarrhea. That we were not going to worry to much about them. I’m liking the sounds of that. I agree and Rachel and I are on our way home. I didn’t even tell him I knew about him retiring and moving to Montana. I also don’t know how to tell my husband I’m following him when I have appointments. I’m reassured that there will be another competent Dr. to take his place. We will see. I’m really partial to this Dr.
But today for me life is good. I’m here. I’m watching the snow melt and Rachel and I are talking and just enjoying the rest of the day. God is good, God is great. He knows what he is doing. I have to trust this. I have to have faith.
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